Shower sex in the movies is always so damn steamy, even down to the artfully placed steam. But for the rest of us, sadly without a well-paid Swedish art director to decorate our sex lives in a soapy haze, shower sex IRL can be kinda awkward and sucky. Body parts don’t line up right, someone’s getting all the nice warm water while the other freezes, and it’s slippery in all the wrong parts (floor, walls, etc…) and not in the right parts (water, oddly, is a horrible lube, so you will need lube. And not just any kind, a freakin’ silicone based lube. Which, of course, you didn’t think ahead to bring.)

There are also all kinds of tedious safety considerations: No one must slip, all toys must be 1 billion percent water safe, etc. And yet, shower sex is, like, some sort of life requirement. Since you will likely be doing it, you need to know how to do it well. Here’s how to emerge from that shower clean, unhurt, and glowing.

1THE BENT OVER BATHER

Sometimes simplicity is best when it comes to shower boning. Make sure your feet are completely non-slippery (If you’re a safety-first kind of lady, buy one of those ugly-ass non-slip mats your grandma has), then bend over at the waist, spread your legs as needed, and hang onto to something sturdy. He enters you from behind in a standing doggie, holding you steady with his hands on your hips. Very primal feeling. Hot.

2THE SUPER SOAKER

Sometimes trying to hold a weird position, or random fears of water waste during a drought, can get in the way of you actually having an orgasm. Put a handheld showerhead into service (hey man, I told you last week to get one) directing the stream between your legs as he enters you standing. The water won’t work the same magic on his bits as it does on yours (Viva womanhood!) but he so won’t be complaining.

3RUB A DUB DUB DUDE

Sometimes we get stuck on the idea that sex = p in v only, which, bull shit! Mutual masturbation is great at all times (way less chance of pregnancy or diseases, way more chance of getting the kind of stimulation you need) and shower MM offers the additional perks of body-safe soap as lube (it works in this case, if he keeps his fingers on the outside of you). Plus, easy rinsing away of the evidence. Try a variation with him standing behind you, either stroking himself while you attend to yourself, or stroking you while he slides his penis between your soapy butt cheeks, like a titty fuck, but with butt.

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4WET N’ WILD 

Have him sit on the bottom of the tub, legs straight in front of him. Low water level is fine here—eco-friendly! Slide on top of him, and holding onto his shoulders or the side of the tub for leverage. And here’s some secret Female Wisdom: a pair of soaped up boobs makes everything better.

5LIQUID LOVE

The tub or shower is an ahh-mazing place for oral. The water and general air of cleanliness helps some people feel more relaxed about mouths on mysterious nether-regions. Take turns sitting on the edge of the tub (built-in shower seat works too) and having the other give you some wet, watery love. If you have neither ledge nor edge, take turns kneeling before the other (mmm, subservient!). (Tip: aim the showerhead far away from your face — you want a mouth full of something else, not water.)

Jill Hamilton writes the blog In Bed With Married Women. Follow her on Twitter.

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